Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Incredible Disappearance Inherent To Emerging

It was not like I had died, except in all of the ways it was. I quickly figured out who would actually show up after the funeral. Whatever went  into all of the arrangements and rearrangements of life during death, I was never alone. Not even once. Not for a moment. It is like that when things go in unexpected and heart-wrenching ways. Everyone always talks about people disappearing during tragedy, but in my experience, that's not true. After the excitement of mourning, that's when the crowds actually part.

Things are quiet now. Life is different now. It will never again be as it used to be, and I am learning to go with that. The quiet may be a gift in disguise. If tragedy equaled a sort of death, perhaps I am still in the gestational phase of reincarnating into my next life. It is rather womb-like. Insular. I hear the vibrations of the outside world, and I respond in my own ways, but really I am somewhat cocooned.

But I lie. Things are not quiet now. They appear quiet from the outside looking in. Those who know me well, the small handful who inquire, know how much is happening on the inside.I spend at least ninety percent of most of my days in my home. It's not like there is nothing to do here. I venture out to take care of outside necessities, and the sort of things I deem necessary, but others might not, and not much else. My energy is here. My soul is alive and well, but outside of the soul, things can get tricky, and I've had enough tricky for a little while. So. Here I am.

I'm sure that most people have abandoned all hope that I will ever again offer up any sort of fun or excitement, but back to that whole gestational analogy, it's because I'm busy growing things. My mind and heart are bustling with energy and excitement, but most of the tangible evidence is not ready for the outside would. Its skin is thin and papery, and the layers of fat are still building up. Soon enough, practice breathing will give way to actual breath. A series of biological events that many have explained, but none understand, will unfold in the predictable chain reaction that defines a species, and then maybe I'll let out a primal scream, or maybe I'll moan, or be silent, but things will get beautifully messy, what with the blood and fluid everywhere, and I'll remind myself that hemorrhaging three times is quite enough for one person, and I'll remember not to do that again, and something will be born.

Of course this is an inherent part of the process. Emerging looks like disappearance because it is. It is impossible to move into something new while remaining where you were. It's a beautiful thing to see the sun and the moon at the same time, and how often do we? We still trust that they are both in existence at all times. I am trusting the sun and the moon of my life. They will not disappear for good, and neither will I.

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